As a mom I've often said, "Just do what I've said because I'm tired of hearing myself talk!" Seriously, there have been times...many times...that I can't stand the sound of my own voice. In those times I can only imagine how my children (or whomever I'm overloading with excessive verbiage) must feel!
As I am working through...or better stated, allowing the Lord to work me over... finding what is in my heart and what that means, I feel the need to purge more and more words. I'm trying to write as much or more than I talk in the pursuit of two things. One- to spare those around me from wanting to cover their ears, and two- to find my own voice.
Sitting across the table from a dear friend yesterday who was sharing some amazing insights she learned at a conference, I realized many things. Some of the most prevalent were questions I need to ask myself.
What do I want? Who am I? These seem like such self serving questions that I hate to write them, much less actually ask them. And in asking...ugh, there is the answering.
I find that I'm a mess of jumbled feelings and thoughts when it comes to such self exploration.
On one hand I love a good personality test. I answer the predetermined questions and then someone else says, "this is who you are." On the other hand, I really hate asking myself who I am. I find it much more comfortable to hear what someone else thinks or sees in me than actually saying (or looking) myself. I almost always agree with the results of such tests, thinking, "yes...that's me to a tee. So glad you saw that!"
I want to be defined first by who God says I am, but if He created me then there must be some value in seeing myself as myself too...I guess...right? To know myself...to really know myself seems strange in some way. I'm not sure why.
Maybe it's fear...
What if I don't like myself?
What if I'm really boring? (I hate boring!)
What if I never figure out what I REALLY want?
What if I actually figure out what I want and fail?
Each one of those is scarier than the one before it.
Quote after quote I see lately seem to have a common theme... "go for your dreams and fear is okay." One such quote- "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." - seems to sum up the whole lot.
If I jump into this dream thing, then I'll have to conquer some fear. I'll have to find my voice. I know I have a voice- a very southern mom kind of voice. The kind of voice that has lots to say. So...the next big scary question for the list...
What if I actually find my voice and then get tired of hearing it?
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