In the Mirror

Seeing yourself in the mirror is a humbling experience.  I’m not talking about looking into the mirror to see the ever-graying hair on your head, the deepening crow’s feet around your eyes, or even the little donut roll around your middle.  I’m talking about really seeing yourself.  This humbling experience happened to me twice- all within 12 hours. 

The first came when I saw my son doing something that I do all the time.  When your kids are little, this is great.  You think, “Ahh…that’s so sweet- he thinks I’m so awesome that he wants to be just like me.”  It’s not so sweet- dare I say it’s alarming- when your 17 year old does it. 

The mirror occurred when my son informed me that he had to drive two hours one way to do a 30-minute play, and then drive back the two hours, ALL on the same day that we (he and I) were to leave for a 10 ½ hour drive in the opposite direction for a college visit. 

You’re asking- what mirror is that?!   When I said, no-there’s no way you’re doing that, the mirror was being slowly raised up in front of me.   

His response to my ‘no’- “Mom, you’ve taught us over and over again not to go back on our commitments- to be responsible- to make our ‘yes’ mean yes, and our ‘no’- mean no.”  I wanted to scream- don’t quote me, but I couldn’t.  He was right, I had taught him that…over and over. This should have made me happy- he was listening, but it didn’t.  I knew that the added 4 hours (plus getting on the road some 3 hours later than planned) to an already long journey was going to make him exhausted and not ready for his audition.  I stated this argument, to which he replied- “I’ll be fine.  If I don’t do the performance, I will let my teacher and my cast mates down.  I can’t do that…I’ll be fine.” 

The mirror, slowly being raised was now right in front of me at warp speed.  This mirror, so disturbing that I wished it was a carnival fun-house mirror.  I wished at that moment that the mirror I was seeing in my son had been distorting my image.  Unfortunately, it was all too real.  In that moment I realized that he was doing exactly what I do.  To the detriment of my health, my time, and my sanity, I never say “no.”  I’m really good at letting my ‘yes’ be ‘yes”, but terrible at letting the word “no” even pass my lips.

One mirror…not a pretty one.  Less than 12 hours later, another one…also not so pretty.

The second mirror happened at breakfast with a friend.  My friend told me how she had taken four days off.  She didn’t just take four days off from work, although that was part of it.  She did what can only be described as taking four days off from life.   She stayed in her pajamas, watched movies, ate ice cream, took bubble baths, and basically tuned out life for four straight days.  Now, this may sound like a great vacation, but what she told me- and what concerned me- is that she did this because she was so overwhelmed (she can’t say “no” either) with her life, that she had to take a break or have a breakdown. 

This time the mirror was like a looking glass into my future.  Either I learn the lesson God has been trying to teach me for a good long while- to live a life of rhythm, or I just might be in the same shape. 

Someone told me just yesterday that I’m filled with the Spirit, but don’t always live by the Spirit. (Ouch!)  Painful, but true.  If I was living by the Spirit all the time- in every area of my life, I wouldn’t feel so driven to please everyone.  I wouldn’t worry that I might let someone down.  I would live in that ever illusive place called rhythm; a work-worship-rest rhythm.  This rhythm honors God and the boundaries He’s given me. 

 “Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.”  James 1:23-24

God’s grace allowed me to see myself in the mirror.  I don’t want to forget what I looked like.  And...I’m praying that the next mirror He shows me is a lot more flattering.