Moving Toward

Day 8 of 40

I continue my vertical venting, but am determined today to move forward somehow.  This determination is more than just moving forward, it’s about moving toward.  I feel a renewed desire to move toward God –which is progress on some level. 

As I wrote about David’s Psalms yesterday, I was reminded that his praise- in the midst of his sorrow, loneliness, frustration, and even anger -kept him moving toward God.  At the same time he was running from Saul, he was running toward God. 

In the deepest recesses of my heart, I still want to move toward God, but I find that I’ve quit trying. I find that I’m neither running from anything or toward anything.  This is the whole idea of that middle ground again, and the being stuck.  I’m standing still and where I’m standing feels like quick sand.

I ask myself why this is so.  What I’m really doing is asking God to reveal my own heart to me. I’ve found it- I stopped running toward Him, because I’m tired.  I want someone to run toward me for a while.  I want someone to pursue me- instead of me pursuing them.  I want to be still and let someone else do the work.  So the get real moment is this- I’ve stopped pursuing God because I feel He’s stop pursuing me. 

There is no deeper loneliness than the lonely you feel when you realize if you disappeared no one would notice.  This is how I feel most every day.  I know in my head it’s not true, but I sometimes wonder if I never called, if I never emailed, if I never pursued my family or my friends…would they notice? 

I think these thoughts come from the unhealed portions of my heart – broken by being cast aside and abandoned by the one person I thought loved me most.  I find that just writing that makes me cry all over again.  This five year old pain, if I let it take hold, is still as real as it was the first day. 

I want to run from that pain and run toward something else.  I want to run toward God, but my feet don’t move.  I need Him to come and get me.  I need Him to walk toward me, scoop me up, and carry me away from the past. 

I’m not sure God does it that way.  Maybe telling Him I need it is indeed taking a step toward Him.  If that is so, then I’ve taken a step…a baby step is better than no step at all.

Vertical Venting

Day 7 of 40

As I sat at a table with my co-workers I began to complain or as I like to call it- vent.  It’s the same thing but saying I’m ‘venting’ rather than complaining makes me feel better somehow.  Complaining is reserved for those who are negative by nature, and in some cases are just plain bitter.  I refuse to think I am either so therefore what I do is not complaining, but venting.

So, as I began the course of my venting, I stopped myself mid-sentence.  I remembered that this 40 days to a better me is about not complaining- I mean venting- to anyone but God.  I apologized to those at the table, and explained by 40 day commitment to get it all out- to no one in particular, except God.  I further explained that He knows how I feel anyway, so why not get it off my chest…AND- since He’s the only One who can fix my problems, I might as well stop wasting time and go directly to the source.   

They understood- and I’m sure on some level were relieved to know that they were no longer responsible for listening to my vent attacks. 

Then, in a moment of creative genius, my boss said- you should call this time of cleansing “Vertical Venting- Modern Day Psalms.”  I loved it.  (Wish I had thought of it)  If I ever write a book, I’ll give him credit. 

But, here is the question on Psalms…when David wrote the Psalms it was mainly out of his frustration as being named king but then being persecuted – and even chased with death in mind- by the current king Saul.  So, if David’s laments came from his life situation, where is mine coming from?  Is it baggage still left from the divorce, is it because I find myself at a mid-life crisis point, is it that I’m at a mid-faith crisis point, is it because I’m just going through the motions…or is it all of the above?

During the months- which turned into over a year- of my marriage falling apart, I went to the Psalms of David often.  I found that in the midst of his honesty in how he felt – forgotten by God- he also rallied back and praised God even when he didn’t feel like it.  When his world was crumbling all around him, he still found the fortitude to keep moving in the direction of God. 

I’m not sure psalms are what I’m writing…at least not yet.  I am most certainly doing some vertical venting with an emphasis on the lamenting.  Maybe- unlike David- I can’t begin to find the desire to praise in the midst of the lamenting…at least not yet.  Each of David’s Psalms started off with the lamenting and had praise sprinkled in or ended beautifully with it.  Maybe my Psalm just isn’t finished yet. 

I remember I gave a talk once after the horrible earthquake in Haiti on this very topic.  My key point was- “Cry out instead of cry, and worship instead of worry.”  It is words like this- from my own mouth- but given to me by God that I offer to others, but not to myself.    

So, for today, I will continue my vertical venting, but will dig deep (enough) to pull out some praise too. 

Father God, the One Who made me, Who never forsakes me, and Who is passionately concerned about my life, please help me see you at work today.   I know you are there, help me feel your presence.  Amen.

I Know Too Much

Day 6 of 40

There are few times in one’s life when it can be said that you know too much.  Even rocket scientists probably don’t know too much for their field of expertise.  Everyone still has more to learn about something.  So why is it that I feel I know too much for my own good? 

I’m not an expert in anything- literally.  I’m usually not one to think with my head; I’m an emotional thinker.  I make most decisions with my heart- not my head.  Even considering all of that, for the last two days I came to realize that I may know too much. 

I can’t pray – or I won’t pray.  I know that God’s Word says “When you pray…” Not if, but when.  I know I should pray.

I am worried about having enough money over the next few months. I know that God’s Word says, “Do not worry about tomorrow…”  If I’m trusting God, then I shouldn’t be worried.  I know I should trust.

I feel as if God isn’t paying attention to what is going on in my life.  I know God’s Word says that He “never forsakes” me.  If I believe God cares then I know He is paying attention.  I know I should believe He is with me always.

I know too much.  When I can’t pray, when I worry, and when I feel alone…I also feel tremendous guilt.  Something else I know is that I am responsible for all these things I know.

My feelings have pushed my head to take charge. My heart has stopped leading the way.  

I don’t know too much…just enough to ask the Lord to get me back on track. 

The Questions

Day 5 of 40

Today all I can do is ask questions; questions for which I have no answers.  Questions that seem to put me farther down the road to even more questions.  

Stuck in the Middle

Day 4 of 40

I find that a creative thought cannot enter my head tonight.  It’s as if every song I’ve ever heard, every cliché I’ve ever read, and every dream I’ve ever dreamed are all jumbled in my head, making a mess of my imagination.  I’m stuck…still.  

Some song from my past – a song that I can’t really recall is stirring in my ear.  I know neither who sings the song or any of the words- except these- “Stuck in the middle again…” Since I can’t recall all of the song I’m not sure what it’s about or that it even defines my situation, but at least these lyrics do.  Stuck in the middle again…

The middle.  Stuck.  Stuck in the middle.  The middle: halfway between beginning and end. Middle school…middle Earth (Lord of the Rings), middle of life. 

It’s that halfway point that makes me feel stuck.  I can’t start, and I can’t end.  I’m just wandering.  Think about it…when we’re lost, we say things like, “I’m in the middle of no-where.”

I have a favorite show on TV.  Its name is “The Middle.” In this show a family of five is decisively middle-class America.  Both parents work, the kids have simple (although real) problems.  The family eats fast food, argues with one another, and somehow every week- in just under 30 minutes figures out how to solve their problems and still love each other.  They are not the Cleavers but they are also not the Bundy family.   I like them. They are in the middle, and maybe they’re stuck, but they don’t seem to care.    

As I watch this family- although fictional- I realize the comfort they have hanging out in the middle.  They are content to be where they are.  Some may see this as lazy.  Some may see it as almost sad.  I’m realizing that it’s not just the hilarious dialogue that draws me to this family.  It’s that their “middle-ness” gives me hope.  They complain (a little) but they keep on moving.  Maybe they’re trying to get out of the middle- just like I am, but the difference is that they are not clawing their way out.  They are just moving along at a pace that seems doable.

Yes, I’m stuck in the middle, but maybe that’s okay…at least for now.  Maybe the middle can be something positive…like on a boat in the middle of the ocean or the creamy middle of an Oreo cookie.  Both seem pretty okay to me.  Maybe God has something good for me here in the middle.   

Besides, I’ve had a “middle” before.  I’ve never been to middle Earth, but I did go to middle school. I survived that so I’m sure I can survive this.

Stuck

Day 3 of 40

I’m losing control and I don’t like it.  Is it pride or is it fear?  This is the question I was left with last night.  I feel as if I’m losing control over my own job, but not just any job- a ministry that I started from scratch.  I feel -at every turn- there are more things I’m asked to do, more things I have to do, and more parameters I’m trying to fit in.  All the time, I wonder if I have any real say-so anymore. 

So why does this bother me so much? The question rears its ugly head again- is it pride because I think only I can do what I do or fear in discovering that I may not be needed anymore.  To fully answer this question I think the Lord will have to reveal my own heart to me, but at the edge of my heart the answer is fear. 

For much of my life I have been defined by this truth- people like me for what I do for them.  This is not a definition given to me by any one person, but it is at the core of how I see myself.  I often times wonder if anyone likes me beyond what I can do for them.  So fear bubbles up in me like lava in a volcano anytime I feel that my being needed is threatened. 

Case in point- giving new people any type of ‘public’ role in what I see as my place gives me such anxiety that I don’t know whether to cry, run away, or fight back.  My fear of not being needed is only outweighed by my fear of confrontation; fighting back isn’t even an option.  I would cry but I’m not sure I have real tears left.  My only option is to run away but that isn’t really an option either.  I can’t afford to run away.  So…I’m stuck.

This is where I am- stuck.  In every sense of the word…caught, unable to find a solution, trapped.  I feel as if I’m a prisoner in my own head…in my own life…and I don’t know how to get out.

Maybe this is what a mid-life crisis feels like. Maybe this is how my ex felt before he set himself free from our life.  I’m the same- a prisoner who wants to be free.  The difference is that I see nothing to be freed from- except myself. 

The thing that makes me sadder than my imprisonment is this- in the past I would have found great comfort, hope, and joy in the Word.  Somehow- if I’m being real- even that doesn’t seem to work, or it such a temporary salve to where I hurt that I’ve almost stopped going to that particular medicine cabinet. 

But still, I try and I find in the deep recesses of my heart this verse from Galatians 5:1 – “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

He has set me free.  I believe this- not just in theory.  I know it to be true, but yet I’m still left feeling trapped.  My prison has an open door. Why can’t I find it?