Moving Toward

Day 8 of 40

I continue my vertical venting, but am determined today to move forward somehow.  This determination is more than just moving forward, it’s about moving toward.  I feel a renewed desire to move toward God –which is progress on some level. 

As I wrote about David’s Psalms yesterday, I was reminded that his praise- in the midst of his sorrow, loneliness, frustration, and even anger -kept him moving toward God.  At the same time he was running from Saul, he was running toward God. 

In the deepest recesses of my heart, I still want to move toward God, but I find that I’ve quit trying. I find that I’m neither running from anything or toward anything.  This is the whole idea of that middle ground again, and the being stuck.  I’m standing still and where I’m standing feels like quick sand.

I ask myself why this is so.  What I’m really doing is asking God to reveal my own heart to me. I’ve found it- I stopped running toward Him, because I’m tired.  I want someone to run toward me for a while.  I want someone to pursue me- instead of me pursuing them.  I want to be still and let someone else do the work.  So the get real moment is this- I’ve stopped pursuing God because I feel He’s stop pursuing me. 

There is no deeper loneliness than the lonely you feel when you realize if you disappeared no one would notice.  This is how I feel most every day.  I know in my head it’s not true, but I sometimes wonder if I never called, if I never emailed, if I never pursued my family or my friends…would they notice? 

I think these thoughts come from the unhealed portions of my heart – broken by being cast aside and abandoned by the one person I thought loved me most.  I find that just writing that makes me cry all over again.  This five year old pain, if I let it take hold, is still as real as it was the first day. 

I want to run from that pain and run toward something else.  I want to run toward God, but my feet don’t move.  I need Him to come and get me.  I need Him to walk toward me, scoop me up, and carry me away from the past. 

I’m not sure God does it that way.  Maybe telling Him I need it is indeed taking a step toward Him.  If that is so, then I’ve taken a step…a baby step is better than no step at all.