Out of Control

Day 2 of 40

This morning I had a bit of a panic attack.  What if I don’t have an idea for the blog?  What if it’s not insightful, or at the very least slightly cleaver?  This is my second lot in life. I commit and then I panic that I won’t do it well.  As I already confessed I will do something I’ve committed to because I feel a strong sense of responsibility, so there’s no question it will get done; only the question of whether I’ll feel good about it. 

My mind quickly moves from one thought to another, so after my small panic attack, I thought about something else- the fact that I feel I’m losing control.  I’ve never thought of myself as a control freak but I’ve come to realize that I indeed might just be one- at least on some level.  Maybe this fear of losing control of my life is the very thing that keeps me from living fully. 

It’s the little things and the big things that I seem to be losing control of.  Little insignificant things like taking a group of kids to a Braves game- not even my kids, just kids I invest time in- and finding that they don’t find the need to ‘follow’ my lead anymore, but can be led by someone else. This is a prideful thing to say, but it’s true- it bugged me.  Maybe this will be a whole new thought to explore…is it pride or fear?  Pride in thinking only I can do what I do…or fear in discovering that I may not be needed anymore.  Hmm…that may be tomorrow’s exploration. But, back to this thought on control…

I begin to wonder- what does it mean to be in control of your life?  Is there any such thing? 

I think on some level there must be.  I see other people making decisions about their lives with (what seems to be) confidence.  I see others doing what they want to do- not what they feel they have to do- but actually want to do.  I hear people say they work in their dream job.  I see families so “together” that I wonder what happened to mine.  I know people who actually get time off from work- real time off when they can think about and do other things with no sense of guilt.

I know that everyone is broken on some level or in some way.  This is the world we live in- a broken one, but why are some of our lives more broken than others?  I’m not homeless.  I have a job.  I have healthy children.  I’m healthy - at least I think I am; I haven’t had a checkup in 3 years.  In this broken world, my brokenness doesn’t seem as bad as many others', so why do I feel so broken beyond repair?  Why do I feel so empty?  Why is losing control so frightening?

I know the Truth in my head- “God holds all things together” but at this point- it doesn't feel like it.  Is He still holding me in the palm of His hand?  Of course He is, but maybe all the broken pieces of my life are covering me up like a blanket…no…a pile of garbage.  He just hasn’t pulled enough trash off the heap to find me yet. 

I hope He’ll keep digging because I feel like I can’t breathe…

Let's Get Real

Day 1 of 40

And the journey begins.  When I woke up this morning I realized that I had done it again- I had made a commitment.  This is my lot in life- I commit to things.  From taking muffins to the teacher breakfast to taking on yet another new program at work…I commit.  So as this journey begins I find myself thinking- “what have you done?”  You’ve committed to yet another thing- a 40 day commitment.  I guess the one saving grace on this commitment is that no one (since very few read my blog) will really know whether or not I follow through. 

It won’t matter if anyone reads it.  Despite my rantings on my self-destructive inclination to take on more stuff, I will do it because…well, I’ve committed to doing it.

Day 1 of 40: After my commitment “issues”- my second thought this morning- “Let’s Get Real.”  My blog- straight talk/wavy life has been missing something, and it’s certainly not waviness.  My life is just as wavy as ever- big crashing waves- the kind of waves that can drown you if you don’t time out just right when you should hold your breath.  What has been missing among the waves is the straight talk portion.  I haven’t been completely “real” about how I feel about the constant barrage of crap in my life.

So- for day 1, I will get real.  My deepest most unspoken feeling these days is one of hate.  So, getting real means getting it out, so here goes…

The things I hate: worrying about money, the fact that I’m divorced, the fact that I’ve gained no less than 40 lbs (no less than-but maybe more) in the last 2 years, the fact that my so-called sabbatical was only 4 days long, the fact that my son is going to college in August, the fact that I work for a church but don’t feel like a member of the church, the fact that no one said ‘thanks’ for all I did this year, the fact that **** makes more money than I do, the fact that ##### just doesn’t get it, and the fact that I could’ve possibly gone back to teaching and didn’t because I didn’t feel called.  I hate that I have no time, money, or energy left to do something for myself- something that I love; even more than that, I hate that I don’t know what I love anymore.  I truly hate the fact that the title of my life lately has been – “the fun continues”.  Case in point- I’m sitting at this very moment in an auto repair shop because my tire had three nails in it.  The tire went flat, and cannot be repaired, so I now have to purchase not one, but two new tires- neither of which I can afford. 

So let’s get real- my life sucks.  It doesn’t really of course but I’m tired.  I’m tired of the little and big nuisances in my life.  I’m tired of juggling everything in my life without a partner to handle the juggling for me when my arms get tired.  I’m tired of trying to put a smile on my face every morning, because-like it or not, that is who people expect me to be.  I don’t get to be a puddle…I have too many commitments to keep. 

One more thing I hate- that I feel this way.

I’m reading a book right now that seems to define where I am.  It’s called “Still-Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis.”  The author- Lauren Winner- like me seems to have had a bad run of luck.  Her honesty is refreshing.  She says the things I want to say but don’t have the courage to.  She is real about the fact that her prayer life is lacking, that she questions whether or not God cares about her problems, and her deep loneliness.  I find myself saying “exactly!” a lot as I read her most ‘let’s get real’ moments. 

Two things that are ringing in my head this morning are these:

A thought on prayer: “Until such time as I can pour out my heart like water before You, let me at least pour out my words; how far I am from pouring out either words or heart, but perhaps the words might begin again, and the heart will follow.”  In the words of Oprah- this is an “ahh-haa” moment for me.  I feel guilty about my prayer life-or lack thereof, but if I’m ‘real’- my words won’t come because my heart is not in it.  Ms. Winner reminds me that if the words will start (again) maybe my heart will catch up. 

A thought on loneliness: “Sit in the loneliness for a few minutes to see what the loneliness has for you."  This one will just have to sit and perculate for me alone.  To explain all that this simple statement means for me would take more than one day’s blog.  Maybe one outcome of my 40 day journey will be that I know how to sit in loneliness…or maybe that alone will no longer mean lonely. 

Day 1 of 40…what has it accomplished?  I will be real today- about all of it.  I won’t smile unless I want to, I won’t pretend to like something that I don’t, I will tell God how I really feel- (He knows anyway). Maybe that’s how the words will start again.  Words of any kind may be better than no words at all.

Okay, God…let’s get real. 

30 Days to a Better Me...?

Have you noticed that every self-help or self-improvement fad out there promises results in just 30 days.  Why 30 days?  My guess is that since most of us think of one month as 30 days (although if you know the nursery rhyme, this doesn't apply to Jan, March, May, July, August, October, and December), we figure we can do anything for 30 days...AND since we live in a culture of immediate gradification, 30 days- just one month- doesn't seem too long to wait for results.

In our 30 day mentality, what we fail to realize is that- biblically speaking- 40 days is better.  In the Bible, 40 days is significant.  Just to name a few... it rained on Noah for 40 days, Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days, the resurrected Jesus walked on the earth for 40 days before ascending to heaven. 

I need a better me.  I want a better me.  So, 30 days just won't do.  I'm going to use the best self-improvement guide I know (notice I didn't say self-help because I'm way past helping myself).  I'm going to take a cue from God's book and see what can happen in 40 days. 

I will try my best to chronicle my journey for the next 40 days. What exactly am I going to do?  I'm not sure, so I may be as surprised as you to see what happens. 

I will start tomorrow- May 30th.  Day 40 will be July 8th.  Interestingly enough July 8th is the day I leave for a mission trip.  Hmmm...I didn't plan that, but I'm sure God did!

To the next 40 days...

A Simple Thank You Isn't Enough

When our kids are young we teach them to say thank you.  It becomes a thing of pride when our child not quite even two says thank you, sounding more like "tank choo" in most cases.  As they get older we sometimes hold back - or even snatch back- something we're givng them until they remember those two special words.  As they get older still we give them the "stink eye" the raised eyebrow, or say a sarcastic "you're welcome" when there is no verbal thank you given in its proper time. 

This brings me to a question.  If we are so adamant that our children say thank you at every possible moment, why are we so negligent in saying it ourselves?

Now, if you're a product of the proper South like me, you mind your p's and q's, remembering to say thank you as you are served in a restaurant or as someone holds open a door for you.  As a product of good upbringing you most often remember to end every phone conversation or email with the proper 'thank you'  as well. 

All that is just good manners, but I still think we are a thank-less brood as a whole.  Maybe the words are just habit without any real meaning behind them. 

So why do we teach them to our children in the first place?  Is it so they are polite and we look good as parents, or do we really want them to mean it?  I hope its the latter, but I'm not so sure it's worked. 

I find that my children -or anyone else in my life- seem most grateful when the words 'thank you' don't even pass their lips.  A truly grateful heart is evident in the way we choose to live.  Being good stewards of what God has given us, spending time with the people in our lives, letting more praise than complaint pass our lips- those all speak of gratefulness louder and better than the two magic words ever could.

So...are we saying 'thank you' to God enough- not with the words, but with our actions?  I don't want God to give me the stink eye, a raised eyebrow, or snatch something away to get my attention.  I want to live with the grateful heart that He deserves.

A Season

This time of year is a time of celebration and reflection.  Maybe because I have kids or maybe because I was an educator for so long, my ‘year’ is not a fiscal one or even one defined by the 12month calendar. My years are defined by the school calendar.  So…every year in May I take note of all that has happened and what God has done for the past “season.” 

This year, my thoughts go to what we will remember from this year…

The ups and downs, the things we learned, how we succeeded and how we failed, the little moments as well as the big ones, the times we laughed and the times we cried.

I still remember my Kindergarten class like it was yesterday -and not over 40 years ago.  I remember my teacher, the games we played, the songs we sung, the naps we had to take (which I didn’t like one bit).  I even remember the snack we were served every single day.  I remember it so well that it is still my favorite “comfort” snack, and will always remind me of a time of great joy.  (It’s graham crackers and orange juice in case you’re wondering).

I can remember a moment, an event, even things said to me for every year of my life.  (If an elephant never forgets, then just call me Dumbo)

So…why am I telling you this?  Because I believe that I’m not the exception when it comes to remembering the times when we grew and changed the most. 

If you’ve invested your time and energy into discipling someone, I have no doubt that the one you discipled- no matter the age- will remember.  They may one day forget your name, but they will not forget the impact you had on them.  They may not remember the exact words you used, but they will remember the Truth you told them.  One day they will “pull out” – from the deepest parts of their hearts- a seed of truth that you helped plant.  They may forget when exactly it was planted, but they will remember it was lovingly put there by someone who cared. 

I’m sure you all know chapter three of Ecclesiastes.  It starts:

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…”

…and then lists many “a time to” examples.

 My two favorite parts of Ecclesiastes -

3:11- “He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” 

3:14- “I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.  God does it so that men will revere him.”

You’ve each had a “season” with someone in your life.  That season can never be duplicated.  This specific time, the other people in your life, you…none of it will be exactly the same ever again.

The season is over, but He made it all beautiful- in its time.  It wouldn’t be His plan to duplicate it because it was beautiful for the specific time and place He chose.  

This  season is coming to a close, but don’t you find it comforting and exciting to know that everything God does will endure forever-nothing to be added, and nothing to be taken away. 

All those you discipled will remember a beautiful time when they learned and grew, laughed and played, worshiped and prayed; a time that will endure forever- in their hearts.

Happy Mother's Day

We passed another important milestone at my house this week.  Matthew turned 15 and got his driver’s permit.  I joked that Atlanta better watch out because there will soon be another Harrison boy on the road.  In reality it was an exciting albeit slightly sad milestone.  Only for a parent can a child’s birthday be both a celebration and a time of melancholy reflection.

With every birthday our kids celebrate, we realize just how close they are getting to not needing us as much.  Every year brings a little more independence.  Every year means they’re getting bigger, smarter, and hopefully a little more mature.  This should give us comfort- to know that we’ve raised them to take care of themselves, but somehow it’s just not that simple. 

I thought about this phenomena in light of the title we all hold- a child of God.  God- our Father- sees each year pass for us too. 

If we’re doing it right, He watches us grow- more like Him, He delights in our growing wisdom, and He beams with pride as we become more mature in our faith. 

We-like any kid who gets a year older- are developing- again, if we’re doing it right. 

The big difference is that doing it right also means we never become independent.  We have to cling to our Father no matter our age or our perceived maturity.  I believe that one of God’s greatest joys is to see us mature enough to not need Him, but be so mature that we know we still do. 

And…now that I think about it…our kids will one day – if we’ve done it right- remember the same thing.  Not only will they know that they need their heavenly Father, they will realize that they still need us too. 

So, this Mother’s Day- let your mom know that she did it right and that even in your “maturity” you love and still need her.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms- biological and Spiritual!

The More Things Change...

Have you ever noticed that nothing ever stays the same?  Here is what two people- smarter than I- say about change:

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.” - Alphonse Karr

“Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes.”- Hugh Prather

For me the second quote rings very true.  Transition has been a constant theme in my life over the last 6 ½  years.  Sometimes the transitions have been good, other times very hard.  The transitions have ranged from ones caused by a specific calling from the Lord to ones that were the result of decisions made by other people.  Transitions can be easy or they can be hard.  They can be positive or negative. Transitions can take on many forms, but the bottom line is they mean change. 

The definition of transition: a process or period in which something undergoes a change and passes from one state, stage, form, or activity to another

Synonyms for transition: change, evolution, conversion, alteration, modification

The inclination for all of us (I think) is to see transition as a negative – or at least an inconvenient- part of life.  The reality is it’s just a part of life.  If we can look at transition in light of its other meanings, and not just the change part, I think we can find a more positive spin on it.

For instance:  

Evolution means that we’ve developed (or grown) from our earlier form.  One thing is true in any major transition we undergo- we evolve and grow.  Our faith will grow deeper in transition.

Conversion- nothing could be more important.  Think of Saul and his conversion from a hater of Jesus to being not only a follower but one of the most important evangelists for the Christian faith. 

Alteration means that a difference is made in something.  I like to think that with every external transition I’ve experienced, God has used it to make something different in me.

Modification is my favorite in the list.  Modification means to change something for the sake of improving it.

So…my external transitions have ranged from good to bad, easy to hard, led by the Lord to those far from God’s plan.

But, if all those changes have helped me evolve, grow, and somehow -in even some small way- look more like Jesus, then they’ve all been worth it. 

As my life goes through even more transitions- moving, sending one son off to college (just to name two on the list of many!), I will see them as an opportunity for God to do a work in me.  The work may not be comfortable for me, but it will most certainly be good.

As a side note, I take great comfort in knowing that no matter what changes for me, the Lord will be the same. 

MALACHAI 3:6- “I the Lord do not change.”

HEBREWS 13:8- “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”

I will take liberties with the quote from Alphonse Karr above and say this instead, “The more things change, the more HE stays the same.”

Transitions will happen, but thankfully He won’t. 

Who Are You?

The question “who are you?” many times turns to “what do you do?”  or even “how do you feel?”

"Who are you"- for me- sounds something like this…

I’m a mom

I’m tired

I’m a teacher/pastor

I’m busy

I’m old

I’m tired…oh, I’m repeating myself

You get the point…

As Christians- and especially as disciple makers- we know in our heads that none of those kinds of things tell who we really are.  They are just external descriptions or internal feelings.  But, we still do it to ourselves, don’t we?  We define who we are with answers that don’t really answer the question.  I do it often, and so many times I find myself having to repeat something I’ve told the kids- “Only the Creator can name His creation.”  So with that in mind, who does God say I am…who does God say you are?

He says,

You are loved, accepted, an heir, never alone, chosen, holy, blameless, a new creation, His workmanship, loved.  I’m repeating myself again, but that last one is worth repeating…

We are loved.  You are loved.  I am loved.  We are loved. 

In the midst of being a mom, being tired, and getting older…I am loved by my Creator.  He doesn’t see me for what I do or how I feel about myself.  He sees me the way He created me- as HIS.

No matter how you’re defining yourself today, just remember the most important definition comes from the One who matters most. 

So…just for today (or maybe through this week), whenever we think about who we are, or how we’re feeling, maybe we should answer ourselves with one word- HIS. 

What Next?!

The thought “what next?!” has been ringing in my head all week.  Ever have those days, weeks, months, or years when you just keep asking yourself that question… “What next?!”

As I have been asking myself that question, a thought occurred to me…

All of Jesus’ followers- especially His disciples- must’ve had this same question after the crucifixion.  They had followed Jesus, they knew who He was, they knew full well that He was their promised Messiah…but then He’s gone.  He dies a horrible death right in front of them. The finality of His ministry on earth is unmistakable.  So they ask…”What next?... “What do we do now?”… “Where do we go from here?”

The true reality, we know, was that Jesus wasn’t finished.  Yes, His ministry on earth was over- at least in the physical sense-but He wasn’t done.  The ‘what next’ was His resurrection, His return to see His closest followers, and then His ascension into heaven.  The ‘what next’ was a promise that although He wouldn’t be with them physically, He would never leave them.

So, when we ask the question, “what next?!” maybe the immediate response should be – we don’t know, but God does.  We can’t see the end, but He can.  The exclamation mark (said with frustration, fear, or angst) can be erased because we have the promise that Jesus is near.  He promised to never leave us, so that means that whatever is next will be fine because He will be there. 

And if- for even a moment- we can erase that exclamation of frustration, maybe the ‘what next’ question can be said with a tone of anticipation.  Maybe “what next?” becomes- “what do You have in store for me, God?”

A friend recently told me this thought from the book One Thousand Gifts:  As we get older, we sometimes say we’re running out of time, when in reality we’re running toward time because we’re running to eternity.

“What next?” just became a whole lot sweeter…

Holy Week- Reprise

Indulge me for a moment and think back on your week.  What happened…what did you do…more importantly, what did God do? 

Without giving you a full run-down and schedule- my week looked something like this…

Work (and all that it entails)

Helping with school projects

Laundry

Various meals with friends

Getting a window repaired

Haircut

Running carpool

Cooking and cleaning

Trips to the bank, the post office, the dry cleaner, and the grocery store

My week was eventful, but not necessarily full. 

As I wrote this week’s lessons I thought a great deal about the week between Palm Sunday and Easter.  It was only a week, but so much happened.  It was certainly eventful AND full.  In the scope of God’s plan- which we know began at Creation- it amazes me that the full definition of our faith seems to have happened all in the course of just seven days…or did it?  Yes- the Holy Week that we celebrate ends with our Savior’s death, burial, and resurrection. This is the sum total of why we have the hope of eternal life with the One and Only- with the Living God. 

But…God is by no means “spontaneous” (for lack of a better word) in His plans.  He didn’t decide suddenly one Sunday (Palm Sunday)- “this will be the week.”

His plans had been laid out in advance.  He knew the time, the place, the weather, the witnesses who would be present…everything in advance.  That week in history was part of His bigger story all along. 

So, knowing that, one has to wonder…if every week leading up to that one was intentional and part of His glorious plan, then hasn’t every week after that been the same?  Jesus came once, but He will come again (Hallelujah!).  If every hour, day, week, month, and year that led up to His first coming were laid out for a specific purpose, then we have to assume that every bit of time until His second coming is just as important. 

Now I’m left wondering… if my week – which I’m the first to admit is nothing special- really is…well, special.  For this season in time while I (and you) walk on this earth, God is just as much at work.  Palm Sunday begins Holy Week.  But…if we live in the reality that every week is laid out by our Creator to get us one step closer to either seeing Jesus return or meeting Him in heaven, then we can accept that every week is a holy one. 

I pray that the awe we experience during Holy Week will carry over into the other 51 weeks of our year.  He lives and works every week- even the ones that don’t seem that “full” to us. 

Still Running

I am never more encouraged than when I see someone I know living out what God has put in them. 

In the last week I’ve had the great blessing of witnessing some such events…

- A friend truly giving up “control” of her own life so that God can do what He does best- take care of everything, and hold all things together.  She has felt free for the first time in a while, and the pure joy I’ve seen in her as the weight of worry was replaced with hope is nothing less than a testimony to God’s goodness.

- A child living through disappointment of great magnitude (not just of kid proportion, but in anyone’s book), and still trusting the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness.  Words like- “I’ve prayed and I trust that God knows best” were not just “Bible-eze” for this kid.  They were true to his reaction to and actions following the disappointment.

- The Body of Christ supporting, loving, and encouraging those among them who were hurting.  This was evident as people prayed for the sick in our body, as people spoke truth to their friends-and their enemies, as people became (maybe for the first time) transparent about their needs, and as people chose not to judge, but to love. 

These things encouraged me, and yet…

My week-like many of yours- has not been a cake walk.  I am reminded day by day that this is a long distance race, and although I’m not an athlete, I have great running partners.  The kind of partners that will give me a drink when I need it, will stop and rest with me when I can’t go on, and when the time is right, will then pull me back up to my feet and kindly say- “it’s time to get moving again.” 

And just to make sure I never give up, I have standing at the finish line a Savior.  A Savior that reminds me in His Word that my hope is in Him.

To that, I share with you a prayer that someone shared with me…

“A person with hope does not get tangled up with concerns for how his wishes will be fulfilled.  So, too, his prayer is not directed toward the gift, but toward the one who gives it.  His prayer might still contain just as many desires, but ultimately it is not a question of having a wish come true but of expressing an unlimited faith in the giver of all good things…For the prayer of hope it is essential that there are no guarantees asked, no conditions posed, and no proofs demanded, only that you expect everything from the other without binding him.  Hope is based on the premise that the other gives only what is good.   Hope includes an openness by which you wait for the other to make his loving promise come true, even though you never know when, where or how this might happen.”

Amen!