Let's Get Real

Day 1 of 40

And the journey begins.  When I woke up this morning I realized that I had done it again- I had made a commitment.  This is my lot in life- I commit to things.  From taking muffins to the teacher breakfast to taking on yet another new program at work…I commit.  So as this journey begins I find myself thinking- “what have you done?”  You’ve committed to yet another thing- a 40 day commitment.  I guess the one saving grace on this commitment is that no one (since very few read my blog) will really know whether or not I follow through. 

It won’t matter if anyone reads it.  Despite my rantings on my self-destructive inclination to take on more stuff, I will do it because…well, I’ve committed to doing it.

Day 1 of 40: After my commitment “issues”- my second thought this morning- “Let’s Get Real.”  My blog- straight talk/wavy life has been missing something, and it’s certainly not waviness.  My life is just as wavy as ever- big crashing waves- the kind of waves that can drown you if you don’t time out just right when you should hold your breath.  What has been missing among the waves is the straight talk portion.  I haven’t been completely “real” about how I feel about the constant barrage of crap in my life.

So- for day 1, I will get real.  My deepest most unspoken feeling these days is one of hate.  So, getting real means getting it out, so here goes…

The things I hate: worrying about money, the fact that I’m divorced, the fact that I’ve gained no less than 40 lbs (no less than-but maybe more) in the last 2 years, the fact that my so-called sabbatical was only 4 days long, the fact that my son is going to college in August, the fact that I work for a church but don’t feel like a member of the church, the fact that no one said ‘thanks’ for all I did this year, the fact that **** makes more money than I do, the fact that ##### just doesn’t get it, and the fact that I could’ve possibly gone back to teaching and didn’t because I didn’t feel called.  I hate that I have no time, money, or energy left to do something for myself- something that I love; even more than that, I hate that I don’t know what I love anymore.  I truly hate the fact that the title of my life lately has been – “the fun continues”.  Case in point- I’m sitting at this very moment in an auto repair shop because my tire had three nails in it.  The tire went flat, and cannot be repaired, so I now have to purchase not one, but two new tires- neither of which I can afford. 

So let’s get real- my life sucks.  It doesn’t really of course but I’m tired.  I’m tired of the little and big nuisances in my life.  I’m tired of juggling everything in my life without a partner to handle the juggling for me when my arms get tired.  I’m tired of trying to put a smile on my face every morning, because-like it or not, that is who people expect me to be.  I don’t get to be a puddle…I have too many commitments to keep. 

One more thing I hate- that I feel this way.

I’m reading a book right now that seems to define where I am.  It’s called “Still-Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis.”  The author- Lauren Winner- like me seems to have had a bad run of luck.  Her honesty is refreshing.  She says the things I want to say but don’t have the courage to.  She is real about the fact that her prayer life is lacking, that she questions whether or not God cares about her problems, and her deep loneliness.  I find myself saying “exactly!” a lot as I read her most ‘let’s get real’ moments. 

Two things that are ringing in my head this morning are these:

A thought on prayer: “Until such time as I can pour out my heart like water before You, let me at least pour out my words; how far I am from pouring out either words or heart, but perhaps the words might begin again, and the heart will follow.”  In the words of Oprah- this is an “ahh-haa” moment for me.  I feel guilty about my prayer life-or lack thereof, but if I’m ‘real’- my words won’t come because my heart is not in it.  Ms. Winner reminds me that if the words will start (again) maybe my heart will catch up. 

A thought on loneliness: “Sit in the loneliness for a few minutes to see what the loneliness has for you."  This one will just have to sit and perculate for me alone.  To explain all that this simple statement means for me would take more than one day’s blog.  Maybe one outcome of my 40 day journey will be that I know how to sit in loneliness…or maybe that alone will no longer mean lonely. 

Day 1 of 40…what has it accomplished?  I will be real today- about all of it.  I won’t smile unless I want to, I won’t pretend to like something that I don’t, I will tell God how I really feel- (He knows anyway). Maybe that’s how the words will start again.  Words of any kind may be better than no words at all.

Okay, God…let’s get real.